Announcing My Candidacy for President of the United States (Yes, Really.)
By: Future President, Occasional Smartass, Full-Time American
2028 is basically tomorrow in election-year time, so I figured it’s only fair to give the country a heads-up:
I’m running for President.
Pause for applause. Or eye rolls. I accept both.
For those of you thinking “Wait… didn’t this guy already run?” — yes. In 2016 I received a glorious 12 votes. Twelve. That’s a baseball team. A small jury. Half a youth soccer squad whose snacks I apparently provided.
Oh — and I’m also a multiple-choice answer on a school quiz. I’m not saying I’m famous, but if this were Hollywood, I’d be “third guy at bar – with one line.”
Anyway, since I’m literally sitting at a polling location right now, surrounded by democracy and stale coffee, the timing feels right.
Why Vote for Me?
Because I’m awesome.
And humble.
Super humble.
Like… if humility were a sport, I’d be Michael Phelps — just swimming in it.
My political philosophy is simple: take the best ideas from everyone.
Democrats, Republicans, Independents, the person who only shows up for free stickers — I want ALL perspectives. I like to call this group Americans.
And because I’ve lived abroad, I also study what other countries do well. Some ideas are brilliant. Some… are like IKEA furniture instructions: overly complicated, missing parts, and requiring 27 human sacrifices to assemble.
What I’ll Do in Office
I will serve one term.
Because the goal is to lead the country — not redecorate the Oval Office twice and get addicted to power and executive pens.
My first agenda item?
Make Congress do their job.
Congress makes laws.
Congress allocates money.
Congress… should probably stop arguing on cable news and actually do those things.
I will not sign ANY bill unless it has an equal number of signatures from each party.
You heard me: equal.
If they can’t agree, they don’t get a trophy.
Every bill also gets reviewed by constitutional experts — real ones — not that guy on TikTok wearing sunglasses indoors.
Why? Because every law limits someone’s freedom. That’s a big deal. We should treat laws like tattoos: permanent, painful, and requiring deep thought before getting one in a place you can’t hide.
Cabinet Selection
No “yes-people.”
If everyone agrees with me, I did something terribly wrong.
I want:
Democrats
Republicans
People from minority parties
At least one person who starts ideas with “Okay, this might sound crazy but…”
Everyone must reach consensus before bringing me a policy.
Think of it as political escape room, but with fewer clues and more caffeine.
Working With Governors
I’ll invite governors to the White House — in shifts. Like well-behaved toddlers.
Because we’re called the United States, not 50 competitive toddlers fighting over who gets the coolest Lego set.
Everyone wants to be the “AI Capital of the World.”
How about we divide and conquer?
You do wind energy. You do transit. You do AI. You — you can have corn.
Puzzles work because not every piece is the same.
Same with states.
Energy Plan
We’re going full Pokémon with energy sources:
Solar
Wind
Tide
Nuclear fusion (yes, fusion — the one that sounds like sci-fi)
Whatever else we discover without blowing ourselves up
Rooftop solar on homes and businesses = energy resilience.
Because “giant empty solar farms” say dystopia.
But “solar shingles on your neighbor’s house” say:
“I care about the planet… and my electric bill.”
Mass Transit
When I lived in Germany, I used public transportation for almost everything.
Efficient. On time. Zero road rage.
Didn’t even threaten to flip off a single driver.
Mass transit = jobs + sanity.
Healthcare
I know. I said it.
A national healthcare system — but with logic and research and collaboration instead of shouting matches on social media.
We’ll examine what works internationally
fix what doesn’t
not turn into Canada but maybe borrow some ideas from them
Foreign Policy
We fix relationships with our allies because ghosting entire countries is bad diplomacy.
We want peace, yes.
But if a bully starts something and a friend asks for help?
We show up.
We don’t whisper “home of the brave,” we prove it.
Wrapping This Up Like a Bad Infomercial
I believe — deeply and annoyingly — in the Constitution.
It’s not perfect, but it’s a masterpiece of intent and structure.
I swore an oath to protect it.
And I will.
We don’t need a ruling class.
We need a functioning country.
This is just a taste of the plans.
There are more.
A LOT more.
Let’s level up the United States.
Together.
Even if you only give me vote #13.
